Currently Listening Memory By Sugarcult see related

Awesome job to everyone involved in 'The Nit Wits.'  It was great!

I very rarely (or ever) have Xanga entries that are like what follows.  But, here goes...

Strength and weakness.  I’ve been thinking about a lot of things recently, and I’ve realized that the meanings and applications of these words are far more subjective than I ever realized before.

Throughout the past couple years, I’ve always thought of myself, in the end, as a strong person.  Mainly because I have gone through so much in my life (especially the past 2 years or so, but not just the past few years, my whole life… much of which a majority of my friends don’t even know about) that has changed me so much and tried me soooo much emotionally.  Yet I always get through it, somehow.  No matter how distraught and sad and beat down and heartbroken I feel for some time, I eventually get through it and move on.  So doesn’t that show some strength?  However…I think I learn from situations… but then I always put everything on the line over and over again….Yeah, that’s a good way of saying it.  I repeatedly put myself on the line again, no matter how much my emotions have been tried before.  It’s like I’m setting myself up for another potentially huge fall.  Why am I so eager to do this?  Why do I always do it?  A large part of me, after everything I’ve gone through, remains surprisingly optimistic.  I think maybe I have this hope that eventually, I will be rewarded for this risk of putting myself out there again and will finally attain the realization of a “happy ending”… and NOT a brief and fleeting one, but a lasting one. So how many times do I have to feel pain and heartache and despair before this will happen… or before I just give up?

Does hanging on to all but false hope make you weak or strong?  On the one hand, I want to say it shows weakness because you’re holding on to a wish that potentially holds you back from moving on with your life and new experiences and everything.  But, on the other hand, if you are that dedicated to holding on to something so strong and important that you believe in and wish for and won’t let go of, that shows strength. 

It’s so easy sometimes to just avoid things or people or feelings that you don’t want to deal with.  But I’ve personally learned that avoidance does not simply make it go away.  I think it takes a lot of strength to confront and realize things that you may not want to or try to avoid.  I’ve also finally realized that I can’t beat myself up for feeling things that my rationale tells me I “shouldn’t” feel.  I don’t really have control over some of the things I feel and why I feel them.  No one does.  Apparently, Mr. Rogers shares these sentiments:

 “Confronting our feelings and giving them appropriate expression always takes strength, not weakness.  It takes strength to acknowledge our anger, and sometimes more strength yet to curb the aggressive urges anger may bring and to channel them into nonviolent outlets.  It takes strength to face our sadness and to grieve and to let our grief and our anger flow in tears when they need to.  It takes strength to talk about our feelings and to reach out for help and comfort when we need it.”

“There’s no ‘should’ or ‘should not’ when it comes to feelings.  They’re part of who we are and their origins are beyond our control.  When we can believe that, we may find it easier to make constructive choices about what to do with those feelings.”

I love Mr. Rogers.  Anyways.  So… what do I do?  I want to be strong.  I need to be patient.  Patience takes strength that I often do not have.  But I need to be patient and understand that some things are obviously not under my control, and tell myself that no matter what, in the end, I’ll always be okay.  I’ve been through a lot, so I can handle a little more.  I think I have the strength to do that.  This time, will I get my happy ending in the end?  Only time will tell.  But I shall remain the optimist, as always... whether this is strength or weakness… I keep telling myself it's strength….

Currently Listening Wreck of the Day By Anna Nalick see related

  Hey all.  Thought it was about time for an update. 

  Before I forget, I put most of my pics from Fall Break on my new Webshots page.  If you want to check them out, here's the address:  http://community.webshots.com/user/dpublondie22  

  I hope everyone had a good Halloween.  My friends on my floor and I decided to go to the good ol' local Goodwill and find the most hideously awesome 80's outfits we could find.  We most definitely succeeded.  I was rockin' out in my jazzercise windsuit emsemble.  (Oh yeah, there's an album of Halloween pictures on the previously mentioned Webshots site, too.  So if you're interested in seeing how hot I looked with my side ponytail and pastel make-up, check it out.)  Oh, also some of my friends and I decided to go to a Haunted House near Indy.  I was thinking that I would be one of the most scared people, but oh no... my friends started freaking out and losing it in the first room.  The first room.  They wanted to leave.  The scary guy in the room had to actually take off his mask and say "It's okay, go on to the next room." lol  So they forced me to the front, and I had to be the tour guide for the rest of it.  So that sucked because I didn't really enjoy it and couldn't get into it because I had to be perfectly calm because of the rest of them.  Seriously, I'd be like "Okay, new room.  There's a weird girl coming from the left, watch out.  K, another guy on the right.  And keep moving.  Okay, good." lol  And my friend Megan's hand was literally clamped onto my arm the whole time.  I have a nice green bruise to prove it. 

    School's going okay.  Seriously, I'm surprised my extreme procrastination hasn't done me in yet.  I thought I'd get better at forcing myself to do my work.  But that hasn't happened yet.  And since it's almost nearing the end of the semester, I have lots of projects and papers coming up.  Suck.  I can't believe we're a week into November already.  Time flies when you procrastinate...  This past week we submitted course requests for next semester.  If I get all of my first choices, I'll have no class at all on Tuesday or Thursday next semester.  Pretty awesome.

  I had a good weekend.  Got to dance a lot on Friday night, that was lots of fun.  Oh yeah, I hope all the McCutcheon people had a good time at the fall dance.  From the Xanga entries I've already looked at, it appears everyone did.  It's kind of weird to read about it and not have actually been there though.  Anyways, yesterday (Saturday) was really fun because Tracie came to see me! (She even busted one of her tires in the morning, and she got a new one and still came )  I know she's already written an entry about our afternoon hanging out, but I'll still cover the enjoyable moments.  We finally watched 'Girl With a Pearl Earring' together.  I absolutely love that movie.  It's probably the most sensual movie I've ever seen.  But in such a... sophisticated way.  It was intense.  Excellent movie.  I love Scarlett Johannsen.  And Colin Firth, with Jesus hair.  Then Tracie and I went and saw DePauw Theatre's not-so-50's modern 50's-themed production of Shakespeare's 'As You Like It.'  It was different, but still enjoyable.  The acting was really good.  And there was one guy in it who is now like my idol.  He talks just as fast as me, but quoting Shakespeare!  That's simply amazing.  He was supposed to be a fool (for anyone not familiar with Shakespeare, the fools in his plays speak in lots of riddles and puns with repeated words... so basically, not easy stuff to read, let alone memorize and say really quickly).  And he did it perfectly and didn't mess up.  And he humped the ground.  I loved that character lol

  So yeah, it was so great to hang out with Tracie and talk with her.  I know she mentions this is her Xanga post also, but we just... get each other.  I love talking to her so much.  It made me feel better about some things that have been on my mind lately.  But then at the same time, it also made me question some things even more.  Tracie and I are really good about doing that to each other... but yeah, good times yesterday.  I heart you, Tracie!

  Well I guess that's pretty much all for now.  Hope everyone has a good week.  I'll be back in two weeks to see McCutcheon's fall play.  Although most of you already assumed that, seeing as how I come home like every other weekend lol 

  Sorry about the long post.  Bye for now.

Did I mention that I love Shakespeare?

And since you know you cannot see yourself,
so well as by reflection, I, your glass,
will modestly discover to yourself,
that of yourself which you yet know not of.

Currently Listening You Stand Watching By Ryan Cabrera With You Gone see related

 Hey guys!

*For those of you reading this who didn't see me this weekend, check out my new SHORT hair!!!! (See profile picture <<<, duh)*  I love it. I'm glad I did it. I've gotten lots of compliments on it.  Thanks to everyone who told me I look good (and if you were lying, well then... I don't know lol)

 Anyways, I thought I'd do a quick update.  I'm back at DePauw.  My Fall Break is finally over   This weekend was so much fun though.  I definitely crammed a lot of hanging out into 3 days.  On Thursday, Cody, Jennifer, and I were at Dairy Queen for approximately 2.5 hours lol (Robin & Elaine were there for a while, too).  It was fun laughing and acting dumb in 'our booth'.  Then, Sarah and I went to Jordan's to watch the glorious 'Phantom of the Opera' and fantasize about the delicious Phantom.  Um, yeah.  Then went out to dinner with Kristen and Josh, then went with Josh to Frozen Custard and met up with Carrie.  Then Josh and Carrie came over and we played pool, and we were later joined by Tony.  On Friday, I went and got my hair cut (as previously discussed), went to Steak n Shake with Sarah, then, of course, had to make a cameo at the Gamble's Drama Club shindig, with puppy chow in tow.  Saw a lot of cool people there and got to watch PotO again.  Good times.  Then I went and hung out with my old friend Christina, who I hadn't seen in a long time.  Saturday morning, I got up way way way too early to go out to breakfast.  Then later that day I went to the mall with Emmalee, which was really fun.  We tried on dresses just for fun, and I found a black one that I really liked.  Then I got all bummed when I realized I had absolutely no occasion to wear it for lol.  Then we went to Steak n Shake for dinner, went to my house for a while, and then headed over to B-Dubs where I was supposed to meet up with Stephanie, one of my Penney's co-workers, and Em was supposed to meet up with the guys.  Well the next thing I know, we are sitting in my car and Tony, Keith, Josh, and Spaldo run up/into my car.  The next 45 minutes involved lots of craziness and long periods of time when Tony and Keith were both in the trunk of my car together.  Yes, the trunk of my car lol  Quite entertaining.  So eventually Em and the guys left, and Steph and I met up with Lizzie, another former co-worker, and I hung out with them for a while.  I finally got home around 2 a.m. and caught up on some much needed sleep lol.  Then today, after I eventually woke up, I finally got my stuff together and headed back to DePauw tonight.  And then I got to essentially move in again.  And then I distracted myself with my pictures from break and Facebook and Xanga instead of doing the reading that I put off all break long.  And that brings me to now.

  Well I guess that's all for now, seeing as how I've talked about the end of my break, it's almost 2 a.m., and I have a 7:50 Psych class to get up for.  Grr.  Gotta love school.  How much longer until Thanksgiving Break? lol  Anyways, it was so awesome seeing so many people over break.  I definitely had a good time.    Thanks to everyone who contributed to that.  I hope everyone has a great week, and I'll talk to you later!  Love ~ Me

What I miss overall is a smile I can't replace
'Cause it starts in your eyes and
It filled up all the space in my heart
I know I will always remember and
I know that it goes with me
I will never leave this part of you behind

Currently Listening Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge By My Chemical Romance see related

  Hey all.  It's 1:38 a.m., I'm bored, and I'm not tired yet, so I decided to update.  I think that was a really bad run-on sentence... and I can guarantee I'm one of the few people that cares about grammar in a Xanga post this late at night (or early in the morning).  Whatever.  My left eye is twitching.  Weird.  Okay, on with the postage.

  I would like to reiterate for everyone that I love having a week-long Fall Break.  It is very enjoyable.  I guess it's already more than half over now (sad day), but I still have 4 more days here, and I actually have plans with lots of people for these last days, so I'm excited.  And of course my break up until this point has been enjoyable.  I've seen a lot of you guys already (by "you guys", I refer to the collective group that I believe still reads my Xanga), and it's been fun.  Last Friday night, I saw 'In Her Shoes' with my sister.  Saturday night, I went to dinner at Panera (where I broke my flip-flop and had to have it duck-taped) and 'Elizabethtown' with the lovely Tracie (thanks again for the tape job lol), and then hung out with some cool guys I graduated with.  Tonight, (pretty last minute), I ended up seeing 'Flight Plan' with Em and Josh.  Wow, I'm catching up on my movie viewing apparently. 

  And naturally, because I'm a dork, I have been spending quite a lot of time at good ol' McCutcheon lol... oh well, I can't help it.  Talking to teachers (yeah, I'm a teacher's pet, even after the fact, shut up), going to the band concert last night, going to play practice tonight... good times.  Tracie, Courtney, and I had a very, very exciting conversation at practice tonight.. and that's all I'll say for now hehe.  But we are definitely awesome, girls. 

  Well I guess that's all I'm gonna ramble about for now.  I'm excited about tomorrow (later today... whatever).  Lunch with Cody and Jennifer, finally the infamous PotO viewing with Jordan, then probably out for dinner with Kristen and Josh.  And lots more plans with fun people this weekend.    So I hope everyone has a good Thursday and a good weekend, and hopefully I will be seeing you again or for the first time before I leave.  Night all!  ~ Me

Currently Listening Stop All the World Now By Howie Day I'll Take You On see related

  So it's 12:14 a.m., and I'm sitting in the basement of my dorm room doing 4 loads of laundry... time for an update (finally!).  Oh, and if you hadn't noticed, I think I'm gonna go with the font in yellow from now on because it is way easier to read.

  Hope everyone is doing well and had a good time this past weekend.  I definitely did.  As most of you know, I came back for the McCutcheon game on Friday night.  Despite the disappointing loss (at least I paid enough attention to the game to know that), it was SO great to see so many friends again.    I love you guys.  Seriously.  It's good to know that I'm not the only one missing people.  Oh, AND, I found out, to my sheer joy, that Jordan and Kaylie are going on the France and Spain Spring Break trip with Mrs. Wilson this year.  Totally sweet. Then after the game, I tagged along to Steak n Shake and devoured a whole meal when some people just got cottage cheese (hehe, just kidding Courtney and Ratina, if you see this).  So anyways, good night.  Then on Saturday morning, I got up at like 8:15 after way too little sleep and drove back to DePauw to do my 10 a.m. newscast for the radio station.  I don't know why I thought this was a good plan when I originally came up with it.  Driving back that early = definitely not fun.  Anyways, on Saturday night I went out with the girls on my floor.  On Sunday... I was lazy.  All in all, good weekend.

   So my midterms didn't kick my butt as much as I first thought they did.  Well, not all of them did at least.  I finished the last half of my 'Race, Power, and Privilege' essay exam today, and this second part was definitely easier than the first part.  But I still think I bombed the first part.  Good thing I won't know for sure until like right before the end of the semester... my professor isn't so good with getting stuff back to us in a timely fashion.  On another point, I was absolutely shocked to get my Conflict Studies exam back today with a 93% on the top - this was the exam (another all essay one) that I didn't even write complete sentences for on the entire last two questions; I just wrote general concepts and phrases and examples to have something down.  So getting that back was pretty much awesome, and I really needed that A to boost my grade.  I'm just gonna focus on the good grade on this exam for now because I definitely am not expecting similar results when I do finally get my other exam back.  Yay for college exams!

   As most of you know, my fall break starts this Friday, and I could not be more excited.  You can just feel around the entire campus that this is the main thing in every student's mind all this week.  I'm so glad it's almost Thursday already, but it's not close enough.  A lot of my friends are leaving tomorrow or early Friday morning and just not going to class on Friday.  I wish I could do that.  But I have 2 short papers due Friday, neither of which I've started yet.  So I'll be doing those tomorrow and turning them in Friday.  But it's still so good to know that by 6 on Friday night, I'll be home for 9 days.

 *Short pause to put all my wet clothes in the dryer*

  Well I was gonna write a little more, but I can't really think of anything and this is already kinda long.  The most important thing is that I'll be home soon, and I can't wait to sleep in and eat home-cooked food and go out to actual restaurants and not have to drive 30 minutes to get to a movie theater and, of course, see all my friends back home!  We better hang out.  Yes, I mean you.  Okay, that's all for now kids, and hopefully I will be seeing you very soon!    Love~ Me